That’s it. There’s no punchline, because it isn’t a joke.
As I was saying, Fear and Ego walk into a bar. Fear and Ego don’t go many places without holding hands. They’re pretty tight, right? As they’re toasting each other with their Negronis (because, ew, Negronis), they see Worry and her twin, Anxiety sitting at the other end of the bar all by their lonesome. Because Fear & Ego love miserable company, they buy their fellow sisters a drink (Screwdriver anyone?) and they join them for a couple of rounds. Soon thereafter, after everyone has had just a little too much to drink, Jealousy and Anger show up and then, well, it’s really a party.
Laundry Day 2017: That day had come for me. My Ego had simply become too tired. It was working overtime with Worry and the two of them were Trouble. But their desire to stay together reinforced the belief that Fear, nor Anxiety, nor Shame, were not going to set me free. I needed to bring Joy, Growth, Excitement, Calm, Confidence, Trust, Vulnerability, Compassion, and Gratitude into the party and encourage them to show up more often, because with them around, it would be very difficult for those other bad boys to play.
Since that day following The Surgery, I’ll admit, I’ve been quite selfish. When I found myself bursting into tears doing laundry, I knew something had to change. And thus, I guess what I call, although with a slight eyeroll, my “self enlightenment journey”. I’d have rather journeyed to Italy and gotten some gelato, but alas. This particular journey, one of growth, compassion and understanding, will never end, but of course, it shouldn’t. Not if I want to continue to learn and grow.
FEAR – “F” Everything And Run
Our egos use fear against us. Not every time, like when you’re about to jump out of a plane, fear shows up and is COMPLETELY justified. Real fear serves a very real purpose (like it’s probably a pretty good idea to not jump into the lion’s den at the zoo because his fur looks soft and it looks like he could use a little pet), but psychological fear is the more common enemy in our daily lives and is generally, I’ve found, unhelpful.
Most of the time, our Ego is simply using Fear to keep us “safe”. When we don’t take a risk, we can’t be hurt, right? Maybe not.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. —Anais Nin
You may recall from my recent list regarding my racial injustice and BLM self work, one of the items was “not allowing fear of saying or doing the wrong thing stop me from learning. I’m a beginner here.”
Fear and Ego wanted me not to write this:
A few weeks ago while I was out for a walk in my neighborhood, I saw a black woman pushing a baby stroller and when I looked down to smile at that sweet little face, I was surprised to see a white baby looking back at me. Immediately, I unconsciously thought that the woman was the nanny. A too-long millisecond later, I recognized that had a white woman been pushing a stroller with non-white baby, I likely would have assumed the baby was adopted. It is with each painful recognition of my own conditioned biases, conscious or not, that I hope to re-teach my brain. It may be a baby step, but it’s a step. And, by leaning into the revulsion I felt, it helped me let go of it much quicker than I would have previously. It was just a thought and thoughts can be changed.
“We’re not thinking our thoughts, we’re thinking our culture’s thoughts”. Sebene Selassie, 10% Happier Podcast, Episode: You Can’t Mediate This Away
FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real
The majority of us, identify with our thoughts, think they are completely ours and thus believe everything that the ego says. How could that not lead to a lifetime of worry? Of suffering?
But what if fear can be fuel? What if observing our fears causes the dissolution of them? How about….
FEAR – Face Everything And Rise (Marie Forleo)
We are not our ego. It’s really just a part of who we are as imperfect human beings. When I’ve looked fear in the face, really looked at it, I’ve often realized that it’s not nearly as scary as I thought it was. I can see that it’s separate from me. That it’s just trying to protect me from negative emotions.
The key comes in when we can begin to recognize that Ego and Soul are very different. As author Amaya Pryce puts it: “Unlike the ego, my soul knows that it’s only responsible for its own reactions, not everyone else’s.” That doesn’t let us off the hook, of course, for thinking and believing things we don’t actually want to think or believe. I’ve found that being mindful has helped me immensely.
Ms. Pryce goes on to say, “The ego’s self-appointed function is to help you get what you think you need from the world and prevent you from losing what you have. It’s fueled by fear, and sees threats everywhere. This fear leads inevitably to feelings of separation, lack, competition, judgment, grasping, and deep loneliness—in other words, suffering.
The soul, in contrast, is rooted in love and a deep-seated well-being. Things that put the small self in a tizzy often bounce right off it.”
In my sad example above, in the not too distant past, I would have recognized my internal bias regarding the black woman and white baby and immediately felt terrible. I would have castigated myself and told myself that clearly I’m a horrible person for having had such a knee jerk reaction/thought and likely marinate on that for at least the rest of the day.
Thanks in large part to meditation, which trains us to see our minds for what they are; fallible machines that are a product of our entire physical existence, I can see that our minds and our thoughts are not inherently bad. Simply put, they are what they are.
But, by being mindful, now when an incompatible thought/belief with my soul pops up, I can immediately recognize it and be curious why I’m thinking that. Instead of beating myself up over it, which helps absolutely no one, I can question why that was the first thing that popped in my head, address it, contemplate it, and recognize it for what it is. To not be emotionally attached to it and then actively work to reject that thought in the first place if it feels incompatible with my soul, which will hopefully not only help me, but help others, as well. I have to put on my own oxygen mask, before helping others with theirs.
“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.”― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear
Who else is tried of their bullshit? Let’s get a drink and talk about it. I know just the place.
Just then, the party at the bar breaks up and Fear, Ego, Worry, Anxiety, Jealousy and Anger all go home. Alone.
Shortly thereafter, Courage came in, sat down and quietly asked for a drink. No super hero cape in sight. Brought her friends: Confidence and Exhilaration. And wouldn’t you know it, shortly thereafter Love sidled up to the bar.
