Here I Go Again

But I’m not on my own.

In between packing, moving and selling our house, I haven’t had time to even think about my upcoming tissue flap surgery, but as I write this now, we’ve packed up all our personal belongings, put the few furniture pieces we kept in storage and had a successful closing on our house. And now…now it’s finally hitting me that I’m actually really doing this and putting myself and my family through what is sure to be an arduous recovery. And I have to admit, it feels bit selfish.

But, I’m finding comfort in the fact that I’m NOT alone and I’m certainly not the first person whose ever had this type of surgery. And I know I’m incredibly lucky to have the support team I do. 

As I toggle between nervous excitement and sheer terror, more than anything I find myself overwhelming thankful.

Thankful for said family who’ve stood beside me, helped nurse me back to health and provided a constant flow of unending love, support and chocolate-covered popcorn.

Thankful for the women who came before me and openly and honestly shared their experiences with complete strangers to help people like myself not feel so alone.

Thankful that I’m getting these godforsaken water balloons officially popped and when I hug someone, two hard lumps won’t be saying hello first.

Thankful for my truly brilliant surgeons who pioneered a way to help thousands of women just like me feel whole once again. No body shaming allowed.

Thankful to my husband’s incredible company and their willingness to allow him to work remotely for several weeks.

Thankful that we can rent a kind owner’s home in which to recuperate, can afford and can have Callie with us.

Thankful for Callie and her proclivity to keep my lap warm, no matter the weather, her sweet purr and her unwavering encouragement to nap. 

Thankful to  the creators of the Successful Surgery CD, its creative visualizations and powerful affirmations. (Not sponsored!)

Thankful for dear friends who have cheered me on, lent a sympathetic ear and brought wine.

Thankful for my husband whom I would dedicate my Oscar to if I had one, but honestly trying to put my feelings, thoughts and love for him into words, finds me unable to right now. I love you, my B.

I’m thankful to me. Specifically, my inner voice. My intuition. Whatever you want to call it, but I’m supremely thankful for that little voice inside my head that told me not to give up. 

But most of all, I’m thankful for my BRCA gene and the whole journey it’s lead me on. It has made me be brave and to confront some hard truths head on. It’s helped me grow spiritually, emotionally and physically. It’s forced me to finally look in the mirror and learn to love the person I see staring back at me. I’m not there yet, but at least I’m finally on the path. And I believe I see hearts everywhere to help remind me to stay on it.

I may have lost the breasts and ovaries I was born with and that made me the woman I was and in the process, lost myself, but I know I’ll be found and that it will be me that will do the finding. 

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but the entire experience from learning that I had the gene to deciding to have preventative surgery to remove my healthy lady parts to where I am today has been invaluable. I’m not the same person who started this journey and for that I’m eternally thankful.

PS-Bill will be posting a couple of updates here while I’m in the hospital so make sure you’re subscribed if you’re not already!