No, not the wonderful little town. The (formerly?) wonderful little show starring one of my super idols, Ms. Connie Britton. Even though the show has certainly had its share of issues, which is why I assume it was ultimately canceled by ABC after what would have been a super series finale (didn’t care about Juliette’s fate in the least), but I was excited when CMT picked it up and announced the ENTIRE cast would be returning. What I didn’t realize is that one of the main stars of said cast, would be making an early exit mid-season.
Ok, this is where you get the requisite SPOILER ALERT if you are not up to date with the show. (If you don’t have time or don’t want to watch it, I highly recommend you read the EW recap. It’s well written AND you’ll know what the heck I”m talking about if you haven’t seen it.) I have not yet watched any of the episodes after this one, so I am NOT up to date. Probably will, just can’t right now. Right about now you’re probably saying, um, how the hell does what happened on a non-real TV show relate to your boob surgery, Anne?! Well, if you have some time, grab some hot tea, and I’ll attempt to explain. Bear with me though. Still on pain meds. Still like to use lots of words that may be unnecessary to a certain male editor who lives in this house. But that’s even w/out pain meds.
That wonderful editor recently wrote his own posts with updates on how I’ve been doing, physically. I thought I’d let you know how I’m doing, mentally.
So as I mentioned, I’m catching up on some TV shows and thought since B doesn’t watch it, catching up on Nashville during a weekday afternoon would be a good choice. (Side note: Scandal w/out red wine and popcorn? Eh. Thanks narcotics!) Maybe NOT such a good choice being on serious pain medication, Valium or hell, I don’t know, because I just had a very difficult and emotional surgery! I knew the previous episode had ended with her character, Rayna James, being in a car accident (again) after having just been held at knife point by a stalker. (Told you, their show runners are having some issues.) I was 50/50 on giving up on the show anyway, but was sticking with it solely because of how much I love Connie Britton and have ever since even before the beloved Friday Night Lights. She was a Virginia native so that automatically made her pretty cool in my book already. 😉 Well, about halfway through the episode when her dead mother appeared to her in her hospital room even though it looked like Rayna was going to be alright and heal from her injuries at that point, the tears already started coming. By the end of the episode when she flatlined with her husband and two daughters with her and as the late afternoon light coming through our bedroom window turned into twilight, they continued to come. And come. I had to actually get a towel, because Kleenex were just not cutting it.
I cried mostly for my dear Mom, who also lost her life much too early and it reminded me just how much I miss and still want and need her physical presence in my life. I cried for knowing that I’m only feeling 1/8 of the pain she felt from her disease, treatment, medication and knowing that the end of her life was near. I simply despair what she had to go through.
I cried for my two, very private body parts that helped make me a woman and that pretty much still feel like they had been ripped out of me. I cried for wondering if I would now feel less like a woman for having them removed and replaced with fake ones, even though the real ones could have killed me.
I cried for the current state of our country that literally scares me to death and makes we want to cry everyday learning of some new “fake news” report.
I cried for all the children who lost their “true north” providers much too young.
I cried for for what I’ve put my body, my family and my friends through. Perhaps needlessly as it certainly wasn’t assured I would ever get cancer.
I cried for so many friends and family who are going though incredibly difficult times themselves with beloved, sick pets, their own serious health issues or those of ones they love and have come very close to losing, financial difficulties, intense job stresses….well, the list, goes on, sadly.
I cried, because I don’t know what’s next for one of the first times in my life…I really, truly don’t know what’s next for me.
And I cried because Connie Britton is a such a freakin’ amazing actress and honestly, the entire episode was just well done. If she doesn’t win an Emmy for that performance alone, though there just may be no award show justice in the world. Say it isn’t so! 😉
In retrospect, I should have seen the emotional purge coming, but I guess I’ve been too absorbed with trying to being “strong”. That and napping. I say strong in quotes, because even though I know I am – that I couldn’t have even made such a serious health decision if I wasn’t, but most days I most definitely do NOT feel strong or brave. I was so thankful that Bill was not home at that moment, because he may have just possibly thought I’d lost my mind. When he did get home from work, I told him about my “episode” and we cried more together, to that he couldn’t already tell something was wrong. Thankfully he didn’t call in the men with the white straight jackets. Instead, he knowing me very well, suggested a movie night on the couch, one of my favorite things to do. Perhaps a silly little romantic comedy would have been a smarter choice, but I suggested Manchester by the Sea, because hell, I couldn’t get any sadder that day could I? It just wouldn’t be possible. Well, actually it was. Excellent movie, but man. Heavy, heavy shit.
I’m trying not to “rush” my recovery, to really try and just be. Trying not to think about the pain and subsequent appointment and surgeries. But mostly I’m trying not to think about the after. What comes after this? What will life look like? How will it change? How will I change? What the hell do I want to *really* do with the rest of my life after saying goodbye to photographing weddings? And why can’t I stop adding to my to-do list when I’m supposed to be resting? I’ve always been hesitant and resistant to change, both good & bad, scary and exciting. All of it. Right now, I’m mostly fearful, because I can’t see what the future holds for me. For us.
Thankfully, most days are good days, but I’m choosing to tell you about a very bad, very personal one for me. Most of you know that I’m very private, shy, introvert (hence the pw protected blog) and if I could live off-line, I would very likely choose to do so. The downside to having the pw, though is that other women out there who are doing their research right now about whether or not they should consider having the surgery, won’t be able to read it. If you know anyone who may find this little, personal blog, please don’t hesitate to write and we can share the pw. I know it’s not much, but it’s the most I can give right now.
During my years of research, I found many blogs written by BRCA previvors who chose to have the surgery, why, how they were doing, how one can prepare, mostly practically, etc., but I never saw one from written from a loved one’s point of view of that BRCA patient. I can write about our couples on our journal easily and excitedly, but when it comes to writing about myself, well, I just find it very difficult. But, part of me wanted to document it, ironically mostly not in photographs, but in words. (Side note: CANNOT wait to share our last wild and wonderful wedding with you and I can’t thank Tricia & Ian enough for their patience.) Bill is the better writer anyway and he graciously agreed to document our experiences in (mostly) his words. I didn’t know, still don’t, how much I want to share. During my research, I also wanted to know what my loved ones could expect from the surgery and couldn’t find much out there. (Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, but just means I didn’t see it.) So I found that aspect of hearing of his experiences intriguing and that others may find so, as well.
I cannot thank those brave women enough, though. For putting what they could out there. The good, the bad, the scary, the hopeful, the darkness, the light. The least I could do was to be completely honest here in this safe space. But, please don’t worry about me. I can’t guarantee all posts here, from either Bill or I, will be all unicorns, rainbows and sunshine, but I can very likely project that there will be many more happier than sadder posts. This one was just a long time in coming, didn’t even see it coming, but it wouldn’t have been fair to you, or me, not to write this and share with you. And I already feel a bit better having done so.
Well, anyway Nashville will have a huge uphill battle on it’s hands now. I can very much understand why Connie wanted to leave the show. But she was THE heart and THE soul of the show. They’ve made so many characters highly one note and unlikeable (Scarlett, Maddie, and of course, bad girl foil, Juliette, even they appear to be attempting to redeem her). I watched the show, but no longer looked forward to it. Apparently they’re going to be taking a mid-season break shortly and won’t be back until May. They need it and it’s likely their fans need it. Come May, though I doubt I will return along with them.
My favorite line in the show and I’m paraphrasing here, because I couldn’t watch it again right now, was the one where Rayna is talking to Juliette about how Juliette had changed since she fell out of the sky (plane crash) and she wondered aloud what would fall out of her after this experience (the stalking, being held at knife point, then the car accident). Basically life defining moments. I wonder the same. What will fall out of me when this life changing experience is “over”. I honestly have no idea, but I do look forward to finding out.
Friends recently asked if “I” could have a meal with anyone living or dead, who would I pick and why. I said Joan Rivers, because not only did she make me laugh out loud all the time, she was fearless and had survived so much during her life. I so admired her work ethic. See the documentary on her if you liked her too and you haven’t. But, I’d also like to add to that list Connie Britton, because not only is she an incredible actress (I never think I’m watching Connie Britton when she’s playing a character, I actually think she IS the character. So that didn’t help when she “died” on tv I imagine!) I also want to add Oprah, because, duh she’s freakin’ Oprah. Lastly, I’d add Michelle and Barack, because not only are they incredibly warm, compassionate, and brilliant people each in their own right, I find their relationship and their marriage incredibly inspiring.
I haven’t had the good fortune to be pregnant and have a child, but I imagine some of what I’m feeling right now is what many parents, especially mothers, feel with the crazy range of hormones, etc. One minute I’m laughing with Bill about something silly and practically the next I want to, and sometimes do, cry…from pain, from happiness, for having so much love from my family and friends. For reasons I don’t even know why.
We have a blank wall in our bedroom (I know, the irony of being photographers – we hardly have any of our work hanging up) and Bill had the most wonderful idea one day. He started hanging some twine between a couple of push pins and hung all the well wishes cards I was receiving. He said he wanted me to see them first thing in the the morning when I woke up to the sun and be the last thing I see at night before turning out the light, so I’d constantly be reminded of how much people cared about me, loved me, were praying for me and supported me. And it really has helped. Clearly, this is a very difficult time in our lives, but I do know we will get through it and very likely be better for it. I try to remind myself of that on my “bad” days. Thank you to my love for doing that for me and thank you to everyone who has sent will wishes. They truly do mean more than you know.
Lastly, about 15 minutes before I was wheeled into surgery, I checked email on my phone for the first time that morning. Honestly, for no other reason than for the distraction. One email awaited me though that was quite literally EXACTLY what I needed to read before kissing my sweet husband, being wheeled into the cold, sterile operating room and quickly and mercifully drifting off to sleep before going under the knife for a scary six hours. I very nearly missed it and finished reading it and the article at almost the moment they had me hand over said phone to Bill and rolled me away. I saw it at the exact moment I needed and was meant to. My brother Andy’s wife, Jennifer, a truly gifted writer and one of the best, most thoughtful, considerate and least selfish people on the planet, had sent me one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read and with her permission, I’d like to share it with you. The letter is wonderful and a must read for everyone, but her note afterwards is *everything*. Talk about a gift. Of course, to meant so much because it was to me, but maybe it will help one of you, as well.
This letter struck me because it seemed so simple but profound. Behind your breasts are muscles so strong that they will carry you long after your breasts are removed. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are brave. You are resilient.
It is difficult to send Andy and not come with him. Kids would not make recovery fun. If you only get one of us for this part (though we will come again and again and as often as you would like or need), there is something about having someone who has shared your entire life by your side. He is your biggest champion. He is a kind and caring nurse. And I hope that when you look at him, you will not only see your little brother, but you will also see your mom in him and next to you.
You are strong. You are beautiful. And you are brave … but you don’t have to be brave always. You can take a break when you need to because you are not alone. I only knew your mom for a short time. She was strong, loving, generous, and authentic. She loved you and Andy more than the world, the sun, the moon. Let her be your strength. Let Andy and Bill and me and your circle of friends far and near hold you in their hearts and their hands when it is helpful now (and ignore our calls and emails when it isn’t — we won’t be offended).
Today, tomorrow, next month, next year: You are strong. You are beautiful. You are brave. You are resilient. You are loved.
You can do this.
-J
And with that, I’ll leave you with one of my all time favorite quotes (emphasis mine):
Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. – Plato (maybe)
PS – I started writing this post a while ago (you can probably see why it took a while!), actually before my first solo “lake to the walk” (yea, gonna try and make that a thing. 😉 ). Yesterday I was mostly confined to bed, but was able to get some bills paid and light housework done (uh, yea?), likely due to tying to cut out too much medication at once. But, today as I’m posting this, has been a GREAT day! I still don’t exactly bound out of bed (but really that’s nothing new!), but I mostly felt like super woman. I could do my P/T exercises, take a shower and do my hair, and most important of all, made it to my goal of walking to Starbucks, about 2 miles away, all on my own two feet. My first solo walk was only 1.21 miles, so YEA! Like I said, good days and bad, but after reading this post, wanted you to know, I AM all right, I AM getting stronger and I AM feeling better. Today, at least and that is awesome. 🙂
